Meaningless things about me....

Name: jackie
AIM: gracious anqel
Location: ld, pa.
Music: anything with a good tune that'd open up the soul.
Last good memory: watchin' my niece being born.
Last bad memory: the last two years was one giant bad memory, from watchin' my nanny died from cancer.
worst regert this year: losing my best friend for reasons i'll never know. favorite quote: "You know what your problem is? You wake up every morning wondering what the world's gonna do for you, wondering who's gonna bend over backwards kiss your ass and make you happy. When you should just thank God for another day and leave it the f*ck at that!"
about the music on journal: shannen doherly, 'does anybody hear me?' from friends until the end movie.

not much to say. i guess, i'm just a boring person through i have friends think i'm interested, or interesting, through i don't know why. i don't take life serious anymore. i have learned from the best of them, that life isn't worth of the pain what beings lies over, and over again. yah. i've been burn before, and sometimes it does hurt knowing you can't even trust your closed friends with your personal stuff, instead you've to hide all personal from the ones that'll hurt you over, and over again -- until they're whole again. well. i could be sharky too. but, if you don't get on m'bad side then you won't have anything to worry about. i'm just like a pussy cat, but m'bite might hurt if you do anything to show i can't trust you. then, everything'll be history between us. yah' stuff! if you're still reading. and like what you see, then tag m'board and if you don't suck then i'll tag back. but, if you suck then i'd tell you to go fuck off. anywho. have a nice evening, or day depends on the day where ya are. ;)

it's so hard to decide whether to live or to die in this destiny.
Smile away the fears that only seem to run me around.
So you open up the door then the floor came crumbling down.
I've only one or two dreams there worth losing,
But they're unraveling, traveling down the road to ruin.
And the harder I try the more I slip and I slide through this fantasy.
All by myself I need your help to perservere,
But the same conclusions always greet me at my door.
Wouldn't it be nice to fade away.
So how did I become the unchosen one?

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I can't play the grade,
all of my pain.
I can't play the parts,
and I can't play the sky.

Does anybody hear me?
Because I don't.
No, I don't.
Because I lost my hearing
long ago.

The media palms going off,
in my living room.
Lies on the TV,
lies on the movies,
lies on the bill board.
Nobody tells the true-
I'm going down.

Tired of all the violence,
we'd lost last enough
And I'm tired of all the nudes
So much sex without love
And I'm tired of all the smokers,
who's blowing smoke in my face.
And they say more bore and morose
Checked reality every fashion page.

I don't trust the parlatation
Or I'm living the way before
And I'm tired of violence
All the drilling in out the wars
I got fights in my eyes
Got blood in my hair
And the world put around
From the true that takes
That takes

does anybody hear me --
because i sure don't..

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Tuesday, March 16, 2004
i can't blame the rain, for all my pain --

I'm always finding myself alone. i mean not legally alone, but just alone. a lot of the times i would think what's wrong with me, and do i actually say something to make people run away from me? i guess I'm a little picky when it comes to being with somebody, but I'm just searching for that right moment to click or make sense in the now but it seems i'll never find that right moment with anybody because i don't give people a chance to prove themselves to me. um.. yeah I've been going in circles with trusting people lately, and i guess my main problem is knowing who i could trust, than have faith in. could anybody ever have that kind of faith in any human being, than feeling like they're always be played by the fool? i don't want to know about it anymore, but i don't want to feel so lonely too. i guess I've been living in the past for a long time, and maybe it's because there's nothing in the present at the moment. i hate, and i mean i really hate feeling this burring of the past always tugging behind me, but i don't know how to break down the walls i had build for so long to let anybody inside. i supposed i had started to build the walls right after my nanny died. i couldn't eat, cry, sleep, and i couldn't talk to anybody who was closed to me. maybe, that's why so many people drifted away from me because i hidden my real emotions inside, and i wouldn't let anybody in -- but that's the only way i knew how to deal by shutting everybody i know out. maybe that's wrong for doing, but I didn't know any other way. I was helpless, or how I saw it. and I guess I still feel lost, and sorta scared to come up from under water, and breathe to take noticed what's really around me now.

does anybody ever feel like they're looking in a mirror imagine at themselves, but all you could see was empty, but no imagine of any kind shown? i guess that's how i feel. like, I'm just empty, and there's nothing inside for me to feel any emotion of any kind -- does this make any sense to anybody? all i want right now to crawl under my sheets, and stay there forever. I hate being around people because when I look to them. I see 'happiness' across their life. but, than it makes me feel like I'm worthless cause what do I have to show for my life? What did I really do to make my life exciting, and breathe taking. through I can't blame anybody how my life has become, because it's my only fault? I'm the one who shut the door, and didn't let people inside. and, honestly I think it's too late to open it -- even if I did, what would come of it? I can't get back any missing days I had spend alone for so long. and I can't change how I feel, because it seems I'll always be feeling cold, and empty inside.

through i always thought it was other people who drifted from me was the blamed of everything, but now since I'm more older and i think i realizes that wasn't the problem, and it was me all along. but ... how much i tried to figure out what it was, than the farther i get being alone. i still don't know what it is that people go running away, and maybe i'll never know the real reason, and maybe I'm not supposed to know.

Posted at 12:10:26 am by gracious_anqel
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Tuesday, March 09, 2004
no matter how hard i tried

no matter how hard i tried to reach people, it seems i'm falling behind. some day's i wish i was somebody else, or just a different life style than what i have..
if people really knew all i ever do is come home, and sit by myself. either messin' with the computer, or just watching the idiot box - and maybe they wouldn't give me a damn attention about my life, or be damn jealous of what i have than what i am . . if that made sense? um, i think something serious wrong me, because i get those mood swings towards people and mostly with my family. . and maybe something is wrong with me? :/

Posted at 7:53:25 pm by gracious_anqel
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Saturday, February 28, 2004
updated -- 'i can't blamed the rain for all my pain, and I can't blamed the sky for all my falls '

I've been talking to some old friends again, and it seemed nice to get back together with the circle of friends again, but somewhat I feel like I'm trying to hard to reach people -- to make people I know realize who I am now, and not who I was before. I've changed, and i guess many wouldn't agreed with the changed I've become, but I've growth into a different person, and i take things more less serious anymore. it seems to be a better life style, than taking everything too serious. i mean, why take something so serious if you can't control what's around you? if something doesn't seemed to go your way, than why let it bother you. life should be less serious, and more looking at it as what it is. i do have a lot.. and i mean a lot of regrets on what i did in past, but i wouldn't apologies for any I've made. here's there thing about me, i could be so shy when it comes to people, but than i could be more out spoken when it comes to my opinions -- i guess when it comes to my opinions i hold them close, and i would fight for what i believe in -- to a point. but, if i see it doesn't seemed to matter what I'd say than i would back down, and walk away..

I guess it's hard to understand what I've become cause sometimes i get a little confused in some ways of what really should matter in life, but I'm slowly learning what really matters, and who really cares about me. towards the end it's your family -- I've lost in touched of this subject for sometime now, and i guess it was when my nanny died two years, and going on three years -- I've shut down from the world, and made a little place of my own. i guess s'okay to have a safe place to go to every once in a while, but you should know when it's not all right to close off from who matters in your life. i was just living but not really, if that made sense? i guess most wouldn't agreed, or they'd call it selfish, but during my safely place where i was i didn't agreed with them. i couldn't see anything clear enough to ecape the one place i had made for myself. than i would had found myself alone from everything that matter to me before, and who matter in my life. i used to go to my nanny when something seemed to be wrong, but i can't do that anymore. she's gone. and, i didn't have nobody to turn to for advice, or just to talk about what's been happening in my day. i didn't see anything clear when it came to other's -- and i didn't want to see what's been hurting other's, but when it all comes down to it all . .

I just wanted to escape from the world, and all the pain that it brings. I was tired of all the violence. we'd lost last enough. And I'm tired of all the nudes. So much sex without love. people say bore, and morose but what do they really mean? I guess . . I'm turning into a better person, um well i would like to think so, and . . honestly speaking i think i can see clearly now -- well, more than i did months ago.. and at least I'm trying to be more social.. through it seems a waste of time to talk to other's who doesn't seemed to care enough to get to know the real you, instead they'll only see what they want but . . that's not who you are really. but, does it really matters anymore -- i mean in all honestly does anything matters what people think?

Umm.. let's see the difference about love, and hate -- they are basically the same. either way you feel passion.

Posted at 9:55:48 pm by gracious_anqel
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Wednesday, January 07, 2004
shadow i am

My trustful journal- the only place I have to rave to. See, I don't have anybody else to talk to, so .. here I am to let out my deepest emotions I have bottle up for so long, but I couldn't -- wouldn't beard anybody with. It's unfair to pile my problems on someone else's plate. people have their own problems to deal with, than worry about me. I'm not asking for pity, journal but a little ease to myself is all I'm after.

I'm just the shadow in the world I live in. I watched, and take life serious. I'm a serious person, I admit. But sometimes I feel over emotional when it comes to things close to the home. Maybe, I'm a little unfair when it comes to others, or maybe I only want the best for everything I do- But how much I tried, I go falling back down in a hole. It doesn't matter how much I tried to climb out -- something always come along from my past to haunt me. Is this my fate of living? do I have any fate for life? When would it just end, and I could find peace with everything around me instead lying here in self pity of my own sins I had made in life...

Posted at 8:25:11 pm by gracious_anqel
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Monday, December 01, 2003
`` it's only my shadow arriving too late. ``

December's just a bad month for me. I'm always having flashbacks of my nanny, ( going on three years she died, ) and i keep thinking about how she wanted so badly to be able to walk again, and .. how we watched her going though so much pain at nights. she couldn't sleep that good at nights, cause that's when the cancer would've kicked in. we treated her like she wasn't sickly. she didn't want specil treatment. she wanted to be treated like anybody, but it didn't make it any easier because we could tell she was going though a lot with pain, but she would never say anything. in fact we didn't know she had cancer until the last year she died. she didn't want everybody to stop their lives for her. she was very strong, and brave person, and even the last nights she was here she was fighting on to stay with us. she didn't want to leave us, and she was worried once she did leave if we will be okay. i wish i could be the kind, and warming person liked she was - - get this.. she'd have given her last penny away if the other needed it. that was the kind hearted person she was. she never asked for nothing for herself, and .. she would just keep giving to everybody she would've meet. I'll always remember the warmth she shared with us, and how much she taught us. i hope she's happy now, and in peace. it'll never be a day i won't think about her. she was the guardian' angel i had, and always remember. I love you, nanny. I hope you're in peace now, and not worrying about us here.

um. it seen every time i would get close to somebody, than i would cause them pain. maybe i need to stay by myself, than ... if i don't get close to people than they won't be in pain when 'round me. it seems being in pain follows me 'round. everything i touch turns to stone. than if I'll stay away from everything, than everything'll be good.
i can't blame anybody who i was involved with, cause it's only my own fault. i let myself get close to be able to trust, and if i didn't let myself get that close than everybody will be in a better place. i get that now... i get it... I'll ruin everything I'm close to. if i .. just stay far away, than everything will be fine. maybe i need to start staying in my far place than maybe everything will be okay again.

p.s. i've taken my faith to see the cat in the hat, and she loved it. in fact she kept saying she wanted to see it again! :)

Posted at 7:01:01 pm by gracious_anqel
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Sunday, November 30, 2003
`` to hell with this -- it seems you don't care. ``

i don't understand. i guess i never understood what's going on in the world, and i'm pretty much slow when it comes to others. i supposed i don't stop, and think what others are feeling, than always taking things serious. but that's how i am. i'm a very serious person, and i do tend to think a lot, and maybe that's the problem. or maybe the problem is i'm always feeling left out of everything. i'm not sure, but i don't understand how people would get pissed off at you for what they are doing themselves. i have to admit i might say something's to others about something that's botherin' me, but that's should be between the two friends. the other friend should know enough to not say anything to the others. and what i could remember the others in my 'circle of friends,' did talk about the others from the 'circle,' in a harmful way, but was that actually talking bad about the other, or was that venting' out your feelings you had bottled up from the world. i always thought you should trust one, or two with your emotions you are feeling, than bottling' it up inside. if you bottle it inside, than that could be hurtful on yourself. it'll pull you down. but once you think you could trust again, and tell what's bothering you, than that's wrong ... why? was it right for the others in the circle to vent out, and dish out words about the others, but when it's time for you than you get ganged above by the friends of yours. i guess that's why i have a very low trustin' in people. i could never tell when someone was truly my friend. or if they were just there -- for something they were after all along. I'm tired feeling alone, but I'm more tired feeling use over, and over again. I've made mistakes in my life, that i wish i could take back. and i guess i wasn't thinking when i have done stuff, but was it right for the circle of friends of mine to go away without telling me what i had done? are they really my friends, or was i just a piece in their game all along. i can't seen to get anything, lately. than it seems i'm always confused or thinking about all the questions running in my head.

i guess I'm confusing my words again. that's the other thing i would do. i know what to say in my head, than it would get all mixed together, and end up twisted 'round when i finally get the chance to write it down. I'm feeling very lonely right now, but than i can't let anybody inside or ... I'll be the fool again. and I'm tired of being the fool here. i guess the saying's right all along, `` actions do speak louder than words.``

`` what have i done? has my weakness cause you pain. everytime i tried to fly, than i would fall. why do i feel so small? why does it seen nobody has never care for me? ``

Posted at 10:16:02 pm by gracious_anqel
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`` it was only your shadow i saw on the wall -- nobody else! ``

i can't see your point of view anymore.
i don't understand what you say to me.
do you really mean what you say?

you said you were different.
you said i could trust you.
you said you liked when you talked to me,
and that you could say anything to me without
feeling uneasily.
you said you could tell me anything,
that you couldn't tell anybody else.
we done stuff that nobody would never know but you, and i.
but now everything's all fine on your end of the world,
and it seems i don't matter anymore.

i feel used.
i feel abandoned
i feel wrong for letting myself get to this point.

but i can't blame you. it's my only fault for letting myself get to this point.
i blame myself -- for letting my guard down. i should've known better.
that i can't trust again.

but i won't never regret what we shared. i'll always remember you -- even
if you won't think of me. it'll break me into thousands pieces until i die that we are strangers
again. and the last days didn't mean anything to you, than it did to me.

i'm far from perfect.
i make mistakes.
i'll say sorry over, and over again.
but it seems you only needed one mistake to turn from me.
even if the mistake was small, and pointless but you needed
something ... anything ... to believe i'm the wrong here.

i'll always care for you.
if you find yourself needed a friend,
and it seems your world's caving down
you know i'll be here.

call if you need to.
say it deep -- anytime, and anywhere!
say the word, butterfly?
this is a promise i can keep.

..watching you disappear, but you were never here. it's only your shadow lying to yourself. it's only your shadow leaving the room, and arriving too late. your laugher was linker on, but you'd almost gone. i can't keep pretendin' everything's fine...

Posted at 8:42:08 am by gracious_anqel
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Friday, November 28, 2003
`` seems so yesterday ``

as i sit here, i can't help by thinking of what could of been. life seen so easy to understand when your younger, but that's probably because you didn't know any better, and you would think life was meant to be this way. but when you have turn into a adult -- you see life differently from seeing it as a small child. you know better to think your life will be all perfection, and roses. there's times i would feel small. and, sometimes i would make believe i'm somebody else. the true is -- there's a lot of scary things out in the world, and most of the time i do get scared....

Posted at 6:30:03 pm by gracious_anqel
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`` outrageous as i wanna be ``

i'm getting to the point i'm going to break. neither it's family issues, or work issues. it seems all i do.. i just can't win. it's weird but it seems like every holiday i'm getting to the point i can't stand people, and it's getting harder to control. neither it's people at work, or just personal issues getting under my last skin. i just wanna scream sometimes, but than i can't ... it seems i have lost my own voice to others, and i don't know how to get it back. i guess i'm a bit picky when it comes to what's right, and if something doesn't go as i see it, than i get aggravated. though i'm really try to see it as their way, but it doesn't look good, and i know it could be better a different way. i guess i need to start sitting back, and let others make their own mistakes, but when it involves me... i don't want anything to do with it. i need an escape away. somewhere far away from everything that's getting me to not care. i guess i have noticed what i have become than i don't like it. but there's no changing it 'cause it seems i don't have no escaped. i need to release something ... but i don't know what ... or how to.....

outrageous as i wanna be. gotta keep going, and there's no stopping me! let this freak show begin....

Posted at 6:27:03 pm by gracious_anqel
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Tuesday, November 04, 2003
i can't do anything right

It's freezing... especially when you go to outside wearing just a thin long sleeved shirt. Oh well. It's that time of the year again, yup, winter. The time when everyone's got their own special someone to cling on to to keep them warm. Well you know what? I don't. :( All I want is someone to hold on to.

I noticed something about myself, I'm a very needy person. I take things for granted all the time, and now I just want more. That's my goal in life, to have a superflous amount of everything I can get my hands on. Yup, I'm going to hell for gluttony and greed. I've got everything I could ever ask for, and yet, I still want more. But the thing is, I've got enough materialistic things... what I'm looking for are emotions. That's what I lack, what I crave, and what I know I can't have. It's my own fault for not letting myself feel things, even though I really want to, in my head there's the notion that I hold stating that it's just going to hold me back. Everything's my fault.

Posted at 10:29:00 pm by gracious_anqel
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